Month: June 2014

How Foster Parenting Fosters Faith

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One of the first nights we had Little A I was singing her songs as she was falling asleep. Without much thought I started to whisper the words to Jesus Loves Me. It’s a song I’ve sang a thousand times, but the words had never hit me quite like they did that night. This 18-month-old little darling had just been pulled from all things familiar and placed into the arms of strangers. She had absolutely no control over what was happening to her. She was weak.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sang familiar words, new circumstances giving this seemingly simple song new meaning…

“Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong.”

In that moment, singing those words, I was surprised by the conviction with which I believed in that last part. I didn’t yet know how my faith would be put to the test.

It is 8.5 months later and we are in the thick of this foster care process. Expectations regarding A’s future change weekly. We are left to question, interpret, and put our spin on the information given to us by “The Team”.  If we felt good about A’s prospects and her future outside our home this whole thing might be less emotional. But the circumstances are what they are and the ups and downs are taxing.

“Do you guard your heart with her?” some friends have asked.

“Guard your heart,” other well-wishers have suggested.

I know that all these friends mean well, but guarding our hearts is the last thing we want to do.  I don’t think God guards his heart in case his people walk away from Him. I don’t think the world needs guarded love like that.

The foster care journey with Little A has been faith testing in the best and worst of ways. Trusting Jesus is something we must surrender to daily. It is not easy. Now, each night, as we tuck Ana into bed we sing “He is strong” as more of a prayer than anything else. As a nightly ritual, when we are done with the song, A looks up at us, puts her hands together in baby sign language, and pleads in her little toddler voice, “More Jesus please.” We couldn’t agree more. We really have no other choice.

Do you struggle with trust like I do? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

With a grateful heart,

KG.

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Foster Care Introduction – The Basics Part 1

Foster Child

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Visitation. Treatment Plans. The Team. Vacations. Here we go.

Visitation.

I am not exactly sure how visitation time with bio parents is determined. Little A gets an hour with mom and an hour with dad 3 times each week. In the beginning we were doing the driving to and from visits. Now that A is accustomed to the caseworkers, and because visits were moved to the middle of the workday, A is picked up and dropped off by caseworkers while at daycare. Unless something big happens at visits this is a part of her day that we often hear nothing about.

Sometimes there are behavior differences from one evening to the next. We don’t know whether to attribute these differences to visits or not.

As a concerned foster parent I want to know what A ate for lunch that day. I want to know if she calls her bio mom “momma.” I want to know if she caught some Z’s on the 30-minute car ride each way. But these are things that I just have to let go. It’s a bit of a challenge to not be in control.

Sometimes, when I’m able to stop focusing on us and how we feel, I think about A’s mom… She doesn’t know what A had for breakfast or dinner, how A slept at night, or what she’s been doing for fun. I wonder if there are behavior differences during visits and if mom considers attributing these to how we are raising her daughter? Sometimes I wish A’s mom had a blog I could peek in on. I wonder how she feels about all of this… to what level does she care?

Treatment Plans.

Bio parents don’t always show up for visits and this plays a part in how the case is presented to the judge. Also of importance is how parents are progressing on their treatment plan. The treatment plan is something that the team involved in the case comes up with for the bio parents. It is a checklist of things that parents need to do in order to regain custody of their child. Plans vary based on the individual and the reasons for the removal in the first place, but some examples of “to-dos” might be therapy, counseling, classes, drug tests, stable employment or housing, staying out of trouble with the law, etc. Bio parents review the treatment plan and sign off on it. Theoretically, they should then get to work on completing its contents. After a certain period of time, I think usually 60 or 90 days, the judge reviews the progress and decides next steps. In our case initial progress was presented in March and a follow-up date was scheduled for May. May was delayed and the hearing was rescheduled for June. Adam and I are anxious to get a sense of where our case stands when we attend court next week.

The Team.

There are quite a few people involved in cases like this. There is a lawyer appointed to represent each bio parent. There is a lawyer for the child. There is a caseworker for the child. There is a volunteer court advocate for the child. There is a caseworker for us. And, as this progresses, we can hire a lawyer to represent us if we choose. Both caseworkers, the child’s lawyer and the child’s volunteer advocate are all supposed to visit the child in the foster home on a fairly regular basis to ensure all is in the best interest of the child. These visits are in addition to other specialists who may be in and out of the home, such as therapists, parenting coaches, etc..

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Vacations.

Oh, sweet, sweet vacations. They are not as easy to take as they once were. In order to leave the state with a foster child, foster parents need bio parent approval and/or judge’s orders. Leaving the country is not allowed. Any visitation time that is missed during vacation is made up for surrounding the trip. Despite the hoops, vacation time has been extra special for our family. Not knowing what A’s future might look like, being able to take her to the ocean, on an airplane ride, and to Disney World have been trips we have not taken for granted.

We are praying that God’s will be done in little A’s life, selfishly hoping that means many more trips with all of us together.

Thanks for reading and as always, love to hear your thoughts, comments, and questions!

Xo,

KG.

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Parenting on the Foster Coaster

 

Little A loves baby dolls. She likes to put clothes on them, pretend to feed them, make cry noises and pat their backs and rock them. Particularly troubling to her is when another child is playing with a baby doll she wants to play with. She is communicating better now, but just a few short months ago she would point and fuss and whine, “mine.”

As her parents it is our job to teach her what is and is not socially acceptable behavior. Yet if ever my heart has been able to relate to hers, it is in these moments. Sometimes I want to act the same way.  I just wish little A was mine… Waaaa.

Have I mentioned that we are foster parenting with the hope of adopting? That wasn’t the original goal, per say. When you go through the process to get certified you can check all sorts of different boxes indicating what type of court case and / or child you would like to foster.

Within 12 hours of having A we knew we wanted to adopt her if that were to become an option. I’m not sure if it will be like that with every child we foster. I do suspect that wanting to adopt her has made foster care all the more emotional for us (or perhaps just me as Adam tends to have a great perspective and a level head).

At this point in the game the emotional roller coaster has become routine. About every two weeks we get an update from a lawyer or caseworker that either leaves me feeling elated or wanting to crawl into a hole. The emotions were intense at first. Now that we are a little more accustomed to how all of this works I understand that today’s update on the case may look nothing like tomorrows. Sometimes updates are based on how visitation with bio parents is going. Sometimes we get information regarding how A’s parents are doing on their treatment plans. Sometimes we hear about A’s extended family members and the interest and/or appropriateness of them adopting her.

I wish I could be more specific on details. Perhaps when this is all said and done I will be able to go back and fill in some gaps. Suffice it to say there are some days when I feel strongly that A will be ours forever. There are other days when I feel hopeless and have to remind myself that God is in control and knows what’s best. Little A is not “mine.” She is His.

All of this custody stuff will unfold over the next 4 months or so. We go back to court on June 20th (next Friday!).

How is parenting your own children a roller coaster? Or is it? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Xo,

KG.

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