One of the first nights we had Little A I was singing her songs as she was falling asleep. Without much thought I started to whisper the words to Jesus Loves Me. It’s a song I’ve sang a thousand times, but the words had never hit me quite like they did that night. This 18-month-old little darling had just been pulled from all things familiar and placed into the arms of strangers. She had absolutely no control over what was happening to her. She was weak.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sang familiar words, new circumstances giving this seemingly simple song new meaning…
“Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong.”
In that moment, singing those words, I was surprised by the conviction with which I believed in that last part. I didn’t yet know how my faith would be put to the test.
It is 8.5 months later and we are in the thick of this foster care process. Expectations regarding A’s future change weekly. We are left to question, interpret, and put our spin on the information given to us by “The Team”. If we felt good about A’s prospects and her future outside our home this whole thing might be less emotional. But the circumstances are what they are and the ups and downs are taxing.
“Do you guard your heart with her?” some friends have asked.
“Guard your heart,” other well-wishers have suggested.
I know that all these friends mean well, but guarding our hearts is the last thing we want to do. I don’t think God guards his heart in case his people walk away from Him. I don’t think the world needs guarded love like that.
The foster care journey with Little A has been faith testing in the best and worst of ways. Trusting Jesus is something we must surrender to daily. It is not easy. Now, each night, as we tuck Ana into bed we sing “He is strong” as more of a prayer than anything else. As a nightly ritual, when we are done with the song, A looks up at us, puts her hands together in baby sign language, and pleads in her little toddler voice, “More Jesus please.” We couldn’t agree more. We really have no other choice.
Do you struggle with trust like I do? Would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
With a grateful heart,